Let me get out of here, please. Please let me go… I am tired of being stuck here.
I feel this all the time, even if I am at the place I had longed to be at, for instance, currently Canada. This constant feeling of being stuck, being homesick as if my soul wants to push aside all the bonds of this world, is always on my mind.
No, I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety or maybe I do. Can you see here, I am so indecisive, I can’t figure out things on my own. I am so tired of my attitude and now I don’t want to give myself a reason, a reason to cry more, a reason to shout, a reason to crawl under the table or to sit in the shower for hours anymore. One of the reasons for shying away from this acceptance is that anxiety and depression are not simple to understand, they are complicated & when you try to explain it to someone, they become a trouble. So, I rather blame someone else for my decisions than kicking myself for taking my own decisions, it feels good. Know more about me!
I have learnt to move on and build myself. I don’t want to pity myself for not being enough anymore.
One more thing that I really want to understand is, why people expect from me? I am all fine for not being enough of a daughter who cannot talk to her parents with love and affection all the time. I am fine for not being enough of a sister who hates talking with her brother. I am fine for not being a perfect partner to my lover or a great friend to my friends. If I am fine with who I am, why aren’t they content with it? And this makes me want to try to be better with them, Tough life.
Yes, I have had my issues with everyone; I have been betrayed and I feel sad for what has happened. I am scared all the time. You can’t recognize me. I have a mask; I have a mask over my face all the time. I will be happy, I will be sad, I will dance, I will smoke & it all depends on what is happening around me.
I don’t like attention. I am fine being a part of your group but not someone who will stand in front to lead the way. I am a forgiver; I forget things more easily than anyone else. Maybe that is my damage control feature.
I have been to anxiety. I have felt depressed. I have felt suicidal. I fought for myself. And I am proud of myself because I underestimated myself all the time.
I was scared of the nights of being alone. I was scared of sitting alone at a restaurant. I was scared to start over. But I conquered my fears and made me what I am today. I now take myself out on dates to relish food, I moved countries to become independent and start over, although, I regret it every day.
I started writing this when I was 23 years old (never completed), I am 26 now. These 3 years in between made me lost more than I could gain. I made mistakes, I drifted from my path but I got back stronger and look at me today, being all smart and independent.
I learnt the most important lesson, if you are sad then that doesn’t mean you are depressed. You need a break. You need to find yourself and the right person to talk to. You need to relax and live.
We are all drawn to depression, it’s new trend now, but believe me, it is not simple. It doesn’t let you explain anything, because you don’t understand you are depressed. So, take my two cents, “Indulge in Therapy” if you feel depressed, you will figure out what is it.
Ahh, it felt awfully good to vent out. I am an introvert and I hate talking, so don’t expect posts like these in the future. Expect food, lifestyle, and travel blogs that I love creating. On that note, Bye.